Have a well-balanced social life

When I first arrived in Shanghai. I was 22, inexperienced and fragile. I had no friends yet, aside from my roommate who was my longtime friend but that’s was it.

My boss who was 18 years older than me, started fancying me. Long story short we started dating. She was a local. A successful businesswoman, charismatic, who had experience, friends and money.

 

I, on the other hand was just starting out in Shanghai. It was my first time leaving my family and friends by myself. I had always lived in different countries. However this was the first time I was leaving alone. Leaving my family and long established friends behind in France.

 

Needless to say, I was kind of vulnerable. My girlfriend/boss was the only one person I had and I got attached. I was telling her. That if we were to breakup, for obvious reasons. 

I would have nobody and she would just go back to her normal life with friends and in a country she was born into. You can see from what I just wrote above that I made a few mistakes but that’s not what we are talking about here.

The biggest mistake I did was to make her my end all and be all. This is not a comfortable situation to be in. It’s hard for me to relate to with the way I was feeling back then. Which is good a thing. It means I have learned.

However I can still recall how worried I was to lose her. She was older than me and she was my boss. It created some friction. She would decide (almost on a whim) that we should part ways. I remember feeling my stomach churning.

Some of you might be able to relate. It’s a physical sensation you get when you’re about to lose someone you’re attached to.

The relationship ended eventually and I hope this can serve as a cautionary tale for some of you. As a person we need balance around us. We cannot project too many expectations unto someone. It’s not fair to that person and it’s not fair to you.

If you don’t have friends and a well balanced life. It’s going to be hard to be in relationship with someone who has all those things. We are talking about breakups so let me get back to the subject. 

After a breakup there will be time when you will have to get out there and find people who want to be your friends. You will find people and groups of friends you can hang out with and this is priceless. We are social animals. We need people to preserve our sanity.

 

Have a goal or a purpose 

After my last breakup I had a bit of a hard time. My heart was ok. In all honesty, I was kind of relieved. We had irreconcilable issues. However my ego was bruised because she had left me. 

Im going to be very honest right now. She was very beautiful. She was a model from Russia. When she left me. All of sudden I went from the guy with the gorgeous girlfriend to the guy who has been dumped.

I hate to admit it but it is true. I did not realise that I felt that way till the breakup. I did not realise that I actually cared for my status. The point is, my ego was hurt and I know that a lot people will be able to relate to what I am about to write. 

I had to find a way to feel better about myself. So I decide to get a better body. I had always been very skinny. So I decided that If I am to be the guy who has been dumped. I might as well be the fit guy who has been dumped.

I know it’s superficial but my story as a point. A lot of people actually want to find ways to look better after they got dumped. I guess, it might be a survival thing. You got dumped, now you want to find a way not to let this happen again.

Nevertheless I now had a goal, a purpose. Albeit it was for superficial reasons but it was a goal nonetheless. A lot of times in life we might start things for the “wrong” reasons but it does not mean that the path we have chosen is not worthwhile.

At that time the reasons I had were the fuel I needed to motivate me. And I am thankful for those reasons. I had always wanted to get fitter. The breakup helped me focus. 

Sometimes you need a event like this to shake you up and put you in the right direction. Your goal and purpose might differ from mine but it is a good way to move forward and look ahead with drive, passion (anger maybe ?) and discipline.

 

Be grateful for the person you’re were with

This one might take some time. Resentment usually is one of the first emotion that kicks in after a breakup. And you know what ? It’s ok. You need to vent. To break things if you have to. 

You should not be ashamed of your emotions and the way you feel. You’re hurt. You’re angry and frustrated. It’s totally fine but after that initial storm. 

Things will start cooling down. What will happen over time is that you are going to gain some perspective. I know some of you might be stubborn and never yield to feeling gratitude towards someone who has so “unjustly” left you.

Nonetheless I do think, it is still an effort we all should undertake. At the end of the day. It is the right thing to do.Someone you have shared your genitals with. Someone you have cared for l, so much, should not go into oblivion without the gratitude they deserve.

You can always find good things you can recall about a relationship. No matter how small it was, you need to remember and be thankful for it. t’s the right thing to do. It’s not so much that you’re doing it for them. 

You’re doing it for yourself. It’s the way to turn a page and start a new chapter. Below is the message I sent to my ex girlfriend almost two years after or breakup.

Dear Irina,

I have wanted to write you for a while now. Not to tell you I miss you. Nor to tell you I love you or even to say I hate you.

 I realised a some time ago that even though you were the one who left. I have never thanked you for all those years we spent together..

It was selfish of me to let you go without even saying how grateful I am to have had you in my life.

For a moment there my ego was a bit bruised. I was not really hurt when you told me it was over because I think our relationship was dying for a while at that point.

Irina I really want to apologise for everything I have done to you and everything I could have done for you. 

I have no regrets. We were not meant to be together but  for a moment there we were together and when I look back on our relationship. I can only remember your beautiful face and the good moments we shared together.

I loved you with everything I had. A lot of times I was blind to your love and what you needed from me. Know that If I could go back in time I would do things differently and put forth more effort.

Not to keep you.. No.. Only to see your radiant smile more often. You truly are an amazing woman and to this day I can only see your beauty both inside and outside and from the bottom of my heart I hope your life has unfolded the way you wanted and you got everything your heart was deeply yearning for.

That’s a lot of words.. I know.. but it was important for me to do this. It was important for me to tell you that you were a huge part of my life for three years. You were by my side when times were hard for you. Forgiving me too many times even when I was undeserving.

I will finish by saying this. Life goes on. People come and go. Some stories never end, others do and new stories are written.. In the story of my life and in my warmest memory you will always be this beautiful girl who followed me through the streets of Xintiandi one rainy autumn night.

Best regards Kisa.

As you can see it took a long time to muster the wisdom and love to write this message. I am glad I have sent it because it was really the perfect way to end a relationship even if it was a bit belated.

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